Sunday, December 31, 1961RETROSPECT 1961 With 2 hours left of 1961, with B still sick inher bedroom but all guests fortunately gone, & no more expected,I sit here in my room & look back on a year from which I seemable to derive little satisfaction. My predominant impressionin looking back over the year is one of discontent & a generallack of progress. This may largely be colored by my present mood;and also my perspective may be grossly distorted by the one majorrecent event, whose outcome might have made all the differenceto my appraisal of 1961.On October 10 I made the big decision to try my Ph.D. exams thissemester. On December 1, I took the written exam, and on the 14thI learned that I had failed. This has proved to be a greater blowthan I had anticipated, and, if resumption of studies at fullsteam is any indication of recovery, I do not yet seem to havebegun to recover from it.But let me try to give a more general account of the year to fitthis event into its proper place. In general it has once againbeen a year in which my life has been closely interwoven withBarbara's, and both our lives have been closely connected withthe University of California. During the first half of the year,Barbara was still an undergraduate, and I was still fulfillingcourse requirements necessary before I could take my exams. Inthe second half, Barbara became a graduate student working forher M.A., which she expects to have by next summer, while I, havingfulfilled all course requirements, had nothing to do in the wayof college work but study on my own in preparation for my exams.The transition was much easier for B than for me, since her study-programwas still highly structured ; but I have always found it difficultto study independently, and I rapidly became demoralized. My decisionto take the exam in December rather than next April as originallyplanned was in fact an attempt to deal with this demoralizationby injecting some urgency into the situation. It had only limitedsuccess, however (quite apart from the outcome of the exam) forI still often found it very difficult to study & concentrate,& seem to have done as much worrying as working. The failurewas all the more upsetting in view of the fact that in my earliercourse work I had been quite successful. In fact, I received A'sin all 3 of the courses I took this year: The Gerber undergraduatecourse in American Literature, the Stampp seminar in which I didmy paper on Civil War abolitionists during the spring semester,and the Watt course in Modern English Literature during the firstsummer session.But there is dishearteningly little connection between any ofthese courses and the type of study calculated to get me throughthe exams, and at present I still feel extremely pessimistic aboutmy chances of passing if I try again in April.This academic struggle, then, has been the basic pattern of theyear. With me at this point it seems not to have led anywhere.With B, on the other hand, there has been steady definite progress.She graduated according to plan on June 10, and after some hesitationdecided to enter graduate school where, while not outstanding,she is doing well enough to leave little doubt about her gettingher M.A. next June. Meanwhile she has successfully applied fora teaching internship which practically guarantees her a secureplace in the teaching profession.On the economic level, while never affluent, we have in generalthis year been comfortably secure. This is primarily due to myteaching assistantship, paying us about $200 every month. Duringthe course of the year, I have been a T.A. under 3 different professors:Ross, Drinnon (for a 6 week summer session) and Sellers. But Ihave never enjoyed this job, and in fact seem to have some sortof mental block against it. In no way do I find it rewarding,and in general I dislike everything associated with - conductingclasses, holding "office hours," attending T.A. meetings.Yet in theory I have nothing against it at all, & cannot reallyunderstand why it seems such a burden to me. One possible reasonis that I do not have sufficient grasp of the material myselfto be able to teach it properly. But that is not sufficientlybasic. Why don't I have the grasp by now, after 2 years at thisUniversity in which in theory I have been doing nothing but studythis material? Perhaps more fundamentally I simply do not wantto study. I feel in general that I am here in a false position,that I do not belong, that I don't share the values, interests,and goals of my colleagues or my superiors.Why then continue? One reason is the taunt so often leveled atme by myself and others that I have never stuck at anything longenough to make good at it; the belief that if only I do have patienceand fortitude, I will in the end win through, and that I willthen be glad that I stuck at it, and that the goal will provesomehow worth the attaining. Another reason is simple inertia.I am here in a situation where I am actually required to do verylittle, & I am under contract to receive $200 every monthfor the next 6 months for doing it. Moreover my wife is also agraduate student in the same department in the same university,and by keeping at it till June, I am helping her toward that timewhen she will need no further help from me, & may indeed soonthereafter be able to help me.In addition to my T.A. job, our finances have mainly dependedupon B's part-time jobs as printer in the Herbarium print-shopand cashier at the Y.W.C.A., plus occasional odd-jobs, gifts frommy parents, and selling of antiques which they have sent. Ourrent has cost a steady $90 per month, but we have managed to keepour food expenses remarkably low, averaging less than 70 centsper day each (with B receiving a meal every school day at theYWCA in exchange for her work).My relationship with B still has its ups and downs, but in generalthe bonds between us seem constantly to be becoming stronger.There is no question that in general we understand each othervery well. In certain areas we have made great progress. At thebeginning of this year, we began a system of regular weekly familymeetings, at which to discuss common problems, a system whichhas not always been maintained (there was a recent lapse of severalweeks while I was exam-preoccupied) but which is still in force.In addition, we have a regular financial meeting once each monthat which we adjust our finances (often a delicate matter sincewe are not on terms of economic equality). These meetings do servea valuable purpose in enabling us to discuss in suitable circumstancesproblems which there may be no time or opportunity to discusswhen they first arise, or whose discussion is best postponed untilemotions have cooled.This kind of factor evidences the remarkable stability of thisyear. It has in fact been for me a year of less change and irregularitythan any previous year since 1949. For it is the first year sincethen that I have not changed my residence or my job or gone onany important travels. Yet, within this framework of stabilityand security, the whole structure has been irregular and lackingin real stability, because we know it is all temporary, and becausewe are plagued by a sense of uncertainty about the future.One way in which B & I have come closer is in improving ourrelationships with each other's parents. B has done much to reconcilemy parents to our relationship by becoming at my & my mother'sbehest, an official Jew. I in turn have come closer to B's parentsby showing my willingness to help them economically to the extentof giving them regularly $20 per month. B's father in particularis now much more friendly than he used to be, & the 4 of uscan now sit down to eat together.There has also been a growing tendency evident this year for useach to acknowledge the other's freedom of movement. AlthoughI have had some very difficult periods when B has been away overnightor longer, usually in San Jose, I have usually managed to adjustto such absences, & even for the first time went away fromher voluntarily on my own for several days to visit Larry in Orovilleat Thanksgiving. B on her part has come to show less willingnessto be away from me for long periods, & now often urges meto come with her when she goes to San Jose, even for the day.She finds that my presence makes her visits to her parents lesspainful than they often otherwise are.I have also been willing for B to go out with other men, a practicewhich began in February of this year. So far there are only 2fellows she has had evening dates with - Lewis "Beaver"Nash with whom she went out 2 or more times & who has sincegot married, and Harold, a current library-friend. She has hadmany other male friends, & often they call her up for dates,but usually she turns them down. I do not mind any of this, thoughI generally make a comic pretence of minding, so long as B tellsme all about it, as I'm confident she does. In fact, she likestalking about it. These friendships boost her ego.There has been little serious talk about marriage between us latelybecause the decision is not entirely up to B. We currently havea marriage license which is good until the end of January, andwe could make use of it any time she gives the word. But B wantssome kind of a planned formal ceremony, & has not yet hadleisure to give that serious thought. Nevertheless she still makesit plain that there are certain ways in which she still insistson behaving towards me which would be different if we were legallymarried. E.g., she suggests that her sexual behavior would beless inhibited. At present, according to her code, she can neverenter my bedroom after dark unless the blind is drawn. She usuallybrings her pillow in at night, & takes it out again in themorning. She is still generally reluctant to appear naked beforeme, and only rarely is she at all sexually aggressive, even inbed. But we do have more or less complete sexual intercourse atleast a few times each month, with me always wearing 2 rubbers.B has so far refused to consider any other methods of birth control,even the new pills we have heard about. In general, however, Ihave few complaints to make about our sex life. But when B isnot sleeping with me, I almost invariably take the opportunityto masturbate, as if to express my sexual independence.Once again, we have had many visitors during the year, includingB's mother and mine, & almost invariably I have had mentalproblems in adjusting to them. The best answer seems to be tohold a conference with them as soon as they arrive, establisha basis of honesty, & try to deal with problems before theyarise. Once again, I do not seem to have made a single new friend thisyear. But I have held on to the old ones, & as time passes,I come to cherish them more & more. Hartley & Margie Kernhave now been away 1 years, but we hear from them sofrequently that it is hard to believe. Their trip, in which theyare living & working in countries for long periods of time(so far all in Western Europe) seems to have been extremely successful.I don't know when they'll return, but we feel as close to themas ever.Allen & Myra Carrico returned from New Zealand in July, afterhaving "emigrated" for less than a year, bringing withthem their beautiful new baby boy Glenn. They went to live atthe Peace Center in Palo Alto, but are just now in the processof moving to Berkeley, & will be living only a few minutesaway from here, so I should be seeing much more of them in future,& will have some definite place to go when I need company& B isn't here.Kit & Bill Speth, who were our only long-standing Berkeleyfriends, but whom we rarely saw, moved to Oregon in the fall whenBill got a teaching job at a Junior College in Bend. We are stillmore or less in touch with old friends like Steve White, WaltMcQuesten, & Gale Galant, though we rarely see them, sincethey live in San Francisco. Larry Kirsch has been our most frequentvisitor, & there are at least 2 activities that I can alwaysenjoy with him: table-tennis & hiking. Steve Kern, Hartley'sbrother, comes sometimes, but I seem unable to get close to him.Roget & Nancy Sharp fall into an entirely different category,since Roger is still a fellow T.A. of mine, but we are no closerto them than we were a year ago. I still have friends in Los Angeles with whom I keep in some contact:Gerry Goldstein, whose visit here in Aug-September caused me greatmental suffering; Howard Dessent, whose shorter visit in Julyalso caused me pain when he borrowed my car & had troublewith it; Andy & Elaine Heinsius, whom I haven't seen now for2 years.But the "Los Angeles picture" has been totally upsetby one of the most dramatic, exciting, & memorable eventsof the year, whose full details we have yet to learn - my sisterMyrna's sudden news on December 1 that she was intending to getmarried. Since then, she has apparently moved to Las Vegas withher fiancée Dick, whence she phoned to borrow $50 fromme. We have heard nothing more.Another dramatic & for me very memorable event occurred atthe beginning of the year, when I was suddenly stricken by appendicitis,& spent a week in the university hospital. The experiencehas left nothing but pleasant memories, and a scar on my bodywhich I hardly even take notice of any more. That was, I think,my only serious physical illness this year.Mentally, however, my health has been far from good. The mostsuperficial examination of my diary pages makes it plain how oftenI have been depressed, moody, sometimes being almost completelyinvalidated by mental malfunctioning. This despite the fact thatfor most of the year I was theoretically under the "care"of a psychiatrist, Dr. Fernandez, whom I saw at the universityhospital for one hour every Tuesday afternoon almost every weekalmost every week between Feb 7 and October 10. His "technique"was in general very non-directive, and although on rare occasionshe seemed to give me new insights into my problems, in generalI simply cannot feel that he really helped me. I went voluntarily,always hoping that some good would come of it, but my faith inpsychiatrists is now less than ever. And I think I spent moretime with Fernandez than I have with any other doctor. I am notof course complaining that he did not "cure" me of allmy problems. But I don't even have the impression that we mademuch real progress at all.In one way, however, I have, I feel, achieved a great mental andphysical victory this year, and it was accomplished with the helpof a doctor, one whose name deserves to be recorded here: Dr.Homrighausen - again, at the university hospital. For he tookthe trouble to talk seriously and at length with me about my weightproblem, when I asked for help in preventing myself from gainingweight, as I had after every previous diet. (This notable interviewtook place on May 4) And he convinced me on simple terms thatthe only answer was constant calorie control. It happened thatI felt highly motivated to follow his advice, and since then Ihave kept a careful daily account of my calorie intake, maintaineda daily average of 2300, and have thus managed to keep my weightdown to about 160 lb, where it should be, and kept control ofmy waistline. This in fact was probably my most remarkable achievementof the year.Another project, which has so far been much less successful, wasmy application to become a U.S. citizen. I expected this to bea matter of a few weeks or months at most, as it was with Myrna,but the thing has been dragging on now since March, & I stillhave no idea when if ever I will be admitted to citizenship. Theprocess has so far involved an anguished interview at the immigrationoffice (April 7), which resulted in my formal registration forselective service the same day ( I was later classified 5A, meaningover-age, & therefore in no danger of being called) and aharrowing brush with the F.B.I. (June 13). But by now I am beginningto become really worried about it, since it could affect my teachingcredential and my new "Crossroads Africa" project. (Onthe application form I said I was a citizen, fearing that otherwisemy chances of being accepted would be jeopardized & hopingthat this would become true before next summer anyway.(Continuing now on January 1, 1962) The more I think about it,the more impressed I am by the comparative regularity of the courseof my life in 1961: the regular pay-checks, the regular familymeetings, calorie-records (since May), psychiatric sessions, diaryentries. Yet there has been no such thing as a regular daily routine.For the majority of my waking hours, I have been theoreticallyfree to spend my time however I wished, but have never establishedany kind of pattern. Bed-time, meal-times, rising times have neverbecome systematized. I still usually go on the toilet immediatelyupon rising, & there spend the better part of an hour, atthe same time reading, shaving with my electric shaver, &often writing the previous day's diary entry. For many monthsI had a "standard" breakfast of a toasted cheese sandwich,cereal & tea, until I grew heartily tired of it. (I haven'tyet found a suitable variation). And I still have a more or lessstandard pre-bedtime snack of hot chocolate with toast, peanutbutter & marmalade or jam.The food-and-study problem has never been satisfactorily solved,although I have tried many different solutions - studying at home,taking sandwiches to the library, eating in the cafeteria, cominghome just for meals. My ideal solution would be to have the libraryopen all the time & a dining-room right there with reasonablypriced food always available. But there is no dining room or foodavailable anywhere in the building or near it.I have done very little traveling this year, and only in one orother of our own cars (which incidentally have required considerableeffort & money to keep in running order, which is now my responsibility,except that B pays for repairs on her car.) A couple of tripsto Salinas & Monterey, once to Fort Ross, & once to Orovillehave been my longest journeys. But I have not been without desireto travel. In particular, I have often longed to be able to visitplaces about which I have studied, especially the U.S. East Coast,both north & south. When in December I heard of this CrossroadsAfrica project, it sounded like just "my cup of tea."And I have done my best to make an impressive application. Whatmost attracts me is that it is a chance to visit, without cost,a part of the world where I have never been.We have not made so many material acquisitions this year as last.I have still managed to get a few books and records through couponswindles, but hardly any compared with last year's flood. We actuallysuffered a heavy loss when B's bicycle was stolen in April &we had to buy a new one. My bike too was stolen in September,but I was able to recover it very rapidly (see Sept. 15) thoughthe thief (identity still uncertain) has gone unpunished. My mostnotable acquisition has been the December purchase of my firsttape-recorder, the fulfillment of many years of wishing. At thesame time, we bought B an electric mixer.There are now few species of material possessions which I don'thave but would like. Instead I simply would like better thingsthan I have now - a better (newer) encyclopedia; a better (morereliable & economical) car; a better (better quality, playinglonger tapes) tape-recorder; a better (easier to use & moredependable) Polaroid camera. Incidentally I have made surprisinglylittle use of the Polaroid camera I bought a year ago, mainlybecause it has proved too difficult to get a good picture eachtime, especially indoors, & because the film is so expensive.But in general I am materially very satisfied. Even this apartment,though I have often found much fault with it, is in general quitesatisfactory for us while we are both here at the university.Other notable events of the year: my first official college lecture,on slavery, delivered in Drinnon's course on July 21, which causedme a surprising amount of anxiety; the biggest library fine Ihope I will ever have to pay -- $13.20, paid on July 7; the dayI went shopping with B & bought myself nearly $100 worth ofclothing (September 23); my first experience as a college "advisor"(September); my financing (to the extent of $60) of B's trip ofB's trip with her mother to Disneyland (Aug 25-29).But the events of 1961 which will probably have most bearing uponmy personal future were B's graduation, conversion, & internship;my citizenship application; my dieting victory; and my exam failure;and possibly - who knows? - the Myrna affair.I have forgotten to mention my rather feeble attempts to pursuemy literary ambitions, the only positive outcome being a littlecampus controversy I stirred up about the merits of bowling, byhaving several letters printed in the Daily Cal.Also there is my work for SERVAS. In theory B & I were supposedto be in on this together, but it has become almost wholly myconcern, and I have spent considerable time, mostly in correspondence.In my more optimistic moments, I see this SERVAS project as somethingwhich I could develop into the major interest & concern ofmy life, as Allen has done with the peace movement. I like theidea of becoming the leading light of an international organization,since this would combine my interest in furthering peace, in travelling,& in bolstering my own sense of importance. But it would alsorequire the development of many talents & abilities whichI do not yet notably display, especially that of handling people.If I do not pass my exam again in April, & if I do get acceptedfor Operation Crossroads Africa, my mind may begin to run muchmore strongly in this direction. For, as I have been saying toBarbara, but as I rarely pause to realize, everybody must havein their lives some basic value, some sense of purpose, some philosophy,upon which their lives, whether consciously or unconsciously,are built. My life in recent years has been built upon littlebut an unenlightened sheer selfishness, to some extent dilutedby a great concern for B, but not extending much beyond her toother people. It is above all a widening of horizons which I seekin 1962.
Daily Chops: Weeks 11-20: Vol. 62
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